A Mothers Fear

Thursday morning I woke up to some bleeding and cramping. One of the worst feelings and sights for a pregnant woman. I called my doctor and his nurse called back saying he was in surgery all day but said I needed to be seen so she set me up with one of his partners. When I went in I was shaking so bad. I have been through many miscarriages but being 17 weeks along and knowing what she is already it brought on a whole new fear in me. It seemed like an eternity for him to come in the room. He got all the info about the pain and such and had me get ready for an exam. He came in with a nurse and tried to find the heart. After what felt like an eternity once again there was still no sign or her heart. I lost it! Started bawling so hard! He then said I needed to get an ultrasound to see what was going on. After a while he just did an ultrasound with their portable ultrasound machine since the techs were too busy and he knew I was minutes away from a complete break down. There she was my little girl but she seemed different. Not her normal active self. She didnt move much at all which in the 100 ultrasounds we have had so far with her she was NEVER still! I was so sick to my stomach. He told me her heart was lower then they like. He then talked to me about what he felt was going on. He said he feared the placenta was separating from my uterus and causing her stress. He said he wanted me to get a real ultrasound since their portable ones arent very clear for something like that. They were of course booked the next day but since it was an emergency got me in anyways. I walked out to the car and lost it!! I had been texting Kamrin while I was in there so he knew most of what was going on but I called him to let him know what he thought it was. I could hardly get words out. I was a mess to say the least. That night my brother and brother in law came to give me a blessing and through the whole prayer I was just waiting for the words to come out of his mouth that she would be okay. They never came :-( I know thats not how it works but I was so hoping. I know its in Gods hands and he has a plan but I was just so hoping this baby was still meant to be with us on this earth. That night was horrible. I even took 2 sleeping pills but just tossed and turned all night. Every time I would get in a deep sleep I would dream she didnt make it and awake bawling. No matter what they told us at the ultrasound she is and always will be our baby girl, our caboose in our family train and so we had decided she needed a name set. We decided she is Makynlie Ashlyn Hammond. Ashlyn is half after me and half after my mom. Waiting in the waiting room for the ultrasound was HORRIBLE. I was shaking and so sick to my stomach. She was not as active during this one again. Her heart was still low but had improved some from the day before. All the tech could tell me was there was a small separation between the placenta and uterus and my doc would call me to tell me everything I needed to know. He called a while later and said I was to be on bed rest and go back to get rechecked on Monday. He then told me what we could be facing. He said its pretty rare it separates this early in pregnancy. He then said what I had feared all along. He said if it continued to separate they would have no choice but to take her and at this stage there would be no chance she could survive. On a more positive note there is a chance it can reattach or heal itself and all will be well. Also it could stay the same which would mean bed rest until further notice. That seems impossible with 3 young kids. We will do what we need to do for our kids. All of them which includes little Makynlie. I am very nervous once again for tomorrow. I just hope all our prayers and me not lifting and resting all weekend helped her and her heart is back to its normal 160 range. I have been trying so hard to stay strong for her so I dont stress her little body out more but its very hard not to just lose it. This is one of the hardest things I have had to face. I just want our little caboose to be able to come and live with our crazy little family. She is so loved and wanted!!!!!

This is the best profile they could get. They couldnt get any face shots. She was hiding in my side.