Depression

I have suffered from depression for pretty much my entire life. I have been on and off meds for it since I was a preteen. You would think after all these years I would be used it it or know how to handle it but thats not the case. Dont get me wrong through the years I have learned different things to ease it but when your in that dark place its hard to pull yourself out of it. On top of my normal depression issues I get HORRIBLE postpartum depression. I feel it has gotten worse with each baby. I have gotten really good at putting in my happy face in front of those but when Im home and just my family here Im a huge mess quite a bit. I feel so overwhelmed all the time. I feel like a failure as a mom and a wife constantly. I have a hard time staying focused. I carry alot of guilt. I feel angry. I feel bitter. I hate that I feel all these things. I know how incredibly lucky I am so why am I in such a dark place??? I have such an amazing a supportive family. I have a husband who does so much for me and our kids and tries his hardest to do right for us and improve our lives. I have 4 amazing kids that mean everything to me. My life is far from perfect and I face alot of trails just like everyone else but I am so very blessed. My biggest fear is my depression will get in the way of me being able to enjoy my kids' childhoods like I want to. They are growing and changing so fast and I dont want to miss things because Im feeling down or out of it because of emotions. I am aware I will probably always battle this but I do pray I can learn to cope better and make it as mild as possible.