Mixed Emotions

The last 2 weeks or so have been a real challenge for me for some reason. I have been really down and having a hard time dealing with things. I think it has been brought on by ALOT of different things. I think my kids can sense the changes about to happen or sense my mood so they have been reacting in a not so pleasant way. Both have been testing limits they never have before and behaving in ways that are not normal for them. I know they are kids and will go through stages growing up where they act out more and test their limits but this time has gone on a bit longer and we are experiencing more rough days then not. Its not just that they are being more difficult but they are more emotional also. Jaydan is having a hard time thinking of me going to the hospital to have the baby. A few times a week he asks me if Im still pregnant and how much longer will I be he starts crying and just says "I dont want you to go to the hospital" over and over. I have tried everything to reassure him that I will be okay and that its a happy time not a bad or scary thing and it still doesnt help ease his fear at all. Alot of nerves and worries have come up lately with my due date getting so close. I fear my other 2 will feel left out or like I love Kamdyn more when I need to give him more attention at times. I also had the same fear when I had Maddie and it all worked out so Im sure it will be the same this time but I still worry cause thats my nature. We have alot of huge changes ahead of us and even though they are all for the best I still have a hard time with changes. Kamrin is looking for a new job. He has been miserable with his job for quite some time and doesnt get paid good at all for what he does for them. They put him on salary a couple years ago and it was definitely for their benefit not for ours. Sometimes its nice when they arent that busy or we have things going on he can get the same check even if he doesnt get his 40 hours in but weeks like last week where he works 70 hours in 1 week he basically works 30 hours for free. On top of that he has a very stressful job. Even when he is "off" he gets calls all the time and if they need something he has to go running. He is always so stressed and wore out. At this point the only thing good about his job his he is the only one in the company besides the owners and their sons that have job security no matter what. They know how much he hates his job and have been trying to find things to make him happier and have even asked if he does leave to give them at least 4 months notice. Thats how much he does for them and how many peoples jobs he does. I am so thankful to him. As miserable as he is and has been for quite some time he just keeps going everyday to provide for me and the kids. I know its so hard for him to make himself go sometime but he would never put our family in jeopardy like that and for that I am so grateful. I really hope soon he can find something that pays him what he is worth and that he can enjoy. I always talk to him about me getting a job to help relieve his stress to provide for our family by himself and he is very set on where he wants me to be. From the day we got married he has made it very clear he wants me to be at home with our kids and he will take care of the money aspect. Being a stay at home mom is not an easy "job" at all. Just like everything it has its pros and cons. It can be very stressful and there are some days I cry most of the day but to be honest I wouldnt trade it. I dont have to leave my kids in anyones care, wonder what they are doing and if they are okay, I dont have to worry about them doing their "firsts" for someone else or anything like that. Another big change we are facing is moving. We are trying to repair stuff and get our house ready to put on the market and doing all that while preparing for a new baby to come and with 2 young kids is not easy. I am very excited to buy a new house but not looking forward to the actual moving part. I love our area and love our ward members so it will be sad to leave if we dont end up out here anymore but it will be so nice being in a newer home. There are many other things that have me stressed and emotional but I will keep those to myself for now. With all this going on and all this stress and lots of crying today I was trying really hard to focus on the blessings I have in my life.

My first blessing is my husband. We have our moments just like every couple but no matter what he has proven over and over he is here forever. Even through all my crazy pregnancy hormones :-) I will never have to worry about the way he sees me. Through my body completely changing with 3 kids and even on my days where I stay in pjs all day and dont do my hair or when I dont wear makeup (which is all the time) he tells me every single day how beautiful I am and tells me he wishes I could see what he sees in me. Melts my heart every time! I know he would do anything and everything for me and our kids. I really could go on and on about things about him.

I am so blessed to have 2 soon to be 3 AMAZING kids! Jaydan gave me the gift of becoming a 1st time mom and the last 4 years have been the best year of my life. I love being a mom! I love all the simple mommy moments. I love cuddling them, watching them sleep, watching them grow and learn new thing. I love it all! Jaydan is the sweetest boy I have ever seen. He is so concerned for everyone especially his little sister. He has to know where she is and that she is okay constantly. He is so smart and amazes me every single day. This little boy has a very special place in my heart. Not only because he is my son but because of who he is even as a 4 year old. His love for people amazes me. He loves with all of his heart and he shows it even at his young age. He hurts when others hurt and just wants to take their pain away. I am so thankful for him and the honor of being his mom!! Maddie is my little diva. She is so full of personality and has so much attitude for her young age. She can be the sweetest little thing ever then bam you get her upset and she lets you know with everything she has. We do run into problems because of it but I love it because thats Maddie and she is not afraid to let her personality show. The one person Maddie has wrapped around her finger is her daddy. In his eyes she can do no wrong :-) I love watching them together. Even the way they just look at each other melts my heart! They adore each other beyonds words. Maddie is our little comedian. She keeps us laughing all the time. I have no idea where she gets most of it but man she is hilarious! She has always done so good with learning really fast. She strives to be like her big brother so she learns everything she can from him. Her speak has always been amazing and her understanding of things is amazing. At their last doctors check up the doctor hadnt seen them since she was 1 and he was so amazed how good she talked and the things she knew at her age. I give Jaydan all the credit for that. He loves teaching her and she loves learning from him. I am so blessed to be her mom!! As for Kamdyn I have never seen him or held him but I am so in love with this baby already! Every move he makes melts my heart (even the ones that hurt really bad lol ) I love hearing his heart. I love seeing him in an ultrasound. I love dreaming of what he will look like and what his personality will be. I love dreaming of watching my other 2 kids holding and giving him thousands of hugs and kisses just like they already do with my belly. I love the personality he already has. He is one wild little monkey! He is all over the place and LOVES to play tricks. He likes to kick the heart doppler off when the doctor tries to get his heart beat, loves to hide when people try to feel him move and loves to react to certain peoples voices. I cant wait to have him here with our family!!

I am also very blessed with MANY other amazing people in my life that would take days to name them all but I really do have the best family and in laws!! I dont know how I got so lucky! I love each and every one of them so much!!!