Thursday, February 10, 2011
Have You Ever???
Have you ever felt that no matter what you do you will fail? Have you ever felt that everything is closing in on you all at once? Have you ever felt so overwhelmed you can barely breathe? This is some of how I have been feeling lately. After almost 3 months Im still trying to adjust to having 3 kids. My 2 older kids are still trying to adjust having a baby around and sharing mommys attention. Dont get me wrong the both absolutely adore and love their baby brother! They both just have their days where I can tell they need a little extra attention to remind them even though I have to take care of the baby more then they need help I still love them just the same. I try my hardest everyday to give them all the same amount of attention which can be hard because the older 2 are alot more independent and Kamdyn still needs me for everything which then brings on some guilt about me failing to show my older 2 all the attention they need. I feel so bad and I just wish I could divide myself in 3 pieces and give 1 piece to each child so they can have all the love and attention they need. I try my hardest to show them every single day how much I love them but sometimes I just dont feel thats enough. Feeling like you have failed your kids in any way really is the worst feeling a mom could have. I love being a stay at home mom so much. I love being the one to take care of them everyday and be in control of everything they do and dont do. I would hate leaving them everyday. That would be too hard for me. It would break my heart if they said their first words or took their first steps for someone else. At the same point I have these days where I question if I am really whats best for my kids. Wonder if they would be better off going to some kind of day care for a while each day. I sometimes feel like there is something I am doing wrong as a mom. I know all kids act up and test boundaries. My kids are no different. I actually think they are pretty good kids but of course they have their moments and even days where they test every single limit and act up as much as possible it seems. Maddie is my challenge. That little girl is a fire cracker! She can be one of the sweetest kids I have ever seen and shows so much love to others especially her family and then she gets her fuse lit and BAM! When I found out she was a girl I always feared I would have to watch Jay around her. Not because he was mean cause he is far from that. He is the sweetest little boy I have ever met! He can be quite wild though! I always feared he would hurt her on accident. Well since the time Maddie could crawl she has been the one I need to watch! Poor little Jay would get beat up by his little sister! Anyways I knew being a mom wouldnt be easy. I knew it wouldnt always be good times. I knew I would struggle along the way. I didnt know how hard it would be. After becoming a mom you are never the same. Thats not a bad thing it can just be a challenge you didnt expect. I think the lack of sleep really messes up your brain :-) Everything I do, I do for my kids. Everything I am is for my kids. I love them more then anything. They are my whole world. Thats why its so hard to think that I am failing them.