Lesson Learned

I should have listened to Kamrin when he suggested waiting to announce my pregnancy. I should have waited til after I knew it was going to work out. I was just so excited to be able to announce it on Christmas. With my history of miscarriages I should have known it was better to wait. Sure enough he was right. I had held on to this little bit of hope in the back of my head that I wasnt having a miscarriage because I was only spotting. Well after talking to the doctor yesterday and being told taking test after test was not going to give me answers because the pregnancy hormone could take about a month to get out of my system. I couldnt wait that long I needed to know. Last night at 530 Kamrin and I went to go get an ultrasound to see if there was a baby. I drank ALOT of water like I was told and I had to go pee so bad it was actually painful. Every step I took I felt like I was going to burst. I laid on the table and she put the warm gel on and started the ultrasound. She said I needed to go to the bathroom cause my bladder was way too big! Oops I drank too much I guess :-) So after relieving myself we started again. She kept digging the ultrasound wand deeper and deeper in my stomach and I knew just by looking at the screen. I have had enough ultrasounds in my days to know when there is an empty uterus. I was trying so hard not to cry. I was trying so hard to stay strong. She was trying to explain to me that because we werent exact on the dates there is a chance its just not showing up yet. She suggested we go back in a week or 2 for another one just to check it out again. Why bother? Seeing no baby there was hard enough 1 time why put myself through that again? I had an ultrasound with Jaydan when I was only 6 weeks along and I saw his little heart beating and say the sack he was in and he looked like a little bean. There was nothing there last night and nothing will appear there in 2 weeks. I needed the closure but it still hurt so bad seeing an empty uterus. I know I only found out it even existed a week again but I bond with it the second I get a positive test result. Its a part of me from that second on. Its my baby. It might just be a bunch of cells at that point and it doesnt even have arms or legs but thats my baby. So after we left it was a quiet ride home. I was trying so hard not to cry. A few tears escaped here and there. When we got home and went straight downstairs, laid in my bed and lost it. After a while my sister brought my kids down to give me a big hug and tell me to come upstairs with them. I needed a few more minutes so they went up. A little bit later Kamrin came down to talk to me and try and cheer me up. I finally went up and sat on the couch for a while. After I put Maddie to bed I needed to be alone. I was in so much emotional and psychical pain. I took a pain pill and went to bed and watched tv for a while before falling asleep. Today is tough. Reality has set in. There is not that little bit of hope anymore. Its really gone. My left side is hurting so bad. Even doing a few dishes and making my kids their eggs hurt so bad. I cant stand straight. I just wanna sit in the play room on the floor and play with my kids and not feel like a part of me is missing. I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to feel this way. I cant help it though. You would think with how many miscarriages I have been through I would be used to it now. Every single one hurts just as much as the last.

Pregnant Or Miscarriage???

Fast forward 2 days after receiving the BEST Christmas present ever and its Sunday. I wake up with cramps. Throughout the day they get worse and worse. I took it easy all day. Kamrin does the dishes for me and when he is done he takes the kids to his parents to play with their new toys there and I could get some rest in a quiet house. I lay around and feel a bit better so I get up and fold some laundry. He gets home just in time to put the kids to bed. He starts to play his Wii game and I go to the bathroom. I look and Im spotting. NO!! I want to cry. My cramps get worse. Grrrr! Why is this happening AGAIN?!? I go downstairs without telling Kamrin. I lay down and start to cry. I decide I need to go up and tell Kamrin. I sit by him on the couch and said "I should have listened to you" He asked about what. I tell him "About announcing the pregnancy so early" He asked me why and I tell him Im spotting and then I lost it. He paused his game and threw the paddles on the couch and gave me a huge hug and told me how sorry he was. I cried a while and just let him hold me. Then I told him I was going to bed. A while later he came down and pulled me over to him and told me "Ashley you dont need to go through this by yourself" I lose it again. He just held me and let me cry on him. He told me thank you and when I asked him for what he said "For going through this kind of pain over and over to give us the most happiness we have ever had" meaning our 2 amazing children. I lost it again! What a beautiful thing for him to say to me at that moment! I couldnt sleep much that night. My cramps hurt, my heart hurt and I was confused. Didnt understand why. Yesterday morning I get up and my cramps were HORRIBLE and I couldnt stop crying. My grandma and aunt were nice enough to watch the kids while Kamrin worked so I could rest. I slept alot during the day. I still am only spotting. My pregnancy symptoms are going away. With all the pain and the pregnancy symptoms going away I was wondering why I was only spotting. With my other miscarriages I knew right away because of how heavy it was. I am so confused! What is going on with my body. Why did I spot 2 weeks again and not lose the baby? I believe in my heart I am losing the baby but then my head is questioning it. I try not to get my hopes up that there is a chance its still there. If so though why dont I feel the pregnancy symptoms anymore. Grrrrrr!!! Kamrin picked up some tests on his way home (The word ones!!) and I take one. I was shaking so bad! If it came back negative I was going to go take a lortab so I didnt have to be in that pain anymore and drowned my sorrow with Mt Dew :-) So I waited and waited which seemed like forever and sure enough it says pregnant! Does that mean I still am or does that mean I still have some of the hormone in my body. I will test again tomorrow or Thursday after my body has had enough time to get all the hormone out. If it comes back pregnant by the weekend I will go in Monday for an ultrasound to see what is going on. So the big question is AM I PREGNANT OR DID I HAVE A MISCARRIAGE??? I just want to know either way!!!!

My test to see if I had a miscarriage

BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER!!!

The whole week of Christmas I had felt nauseous, tired, emotional and my chest was VERY tender. Mmmm could I be pregnant?? Well I kept telling myself it was all in my head because I had started spotting just a couple weeks before that (December 10th) so I took that as my period. As everyday those symptoms got stronger I just kept brushing them off. Christmas morning as my kids were opening their gifts I just kept getting this feeling I needed to take the extra test I had. I dont like taking the tests that have lines. I like them to flat out say pregnant or not pregnant. Im weird but the lines ones confuse me. Is that a line? Is it just faint? Am I reading it right? Anyways I just like it simple. Either it just says pregnant or there is a not in front of it and you never have to second guess it! Anyways I bring this up because I made the mistake to send Kamrin to get tests a long time ago so I had an extra one I wouldnt take cause it was lined. Well I was desperate to get this feeling to go away. The feeling that kept telling me to go test. So when all of us were done opening presents, the kids were busy playing and Kamrin was setting up my ipod dock I went and grabbed the test and waited the 3 minutes for the results. I was shaking, telling myself what a waste of time because it was going to me negative, telling myself duh I had just had a period 2 weeks ago and all the sudden with my mind going 100 miles an hour the first line appeared. I knew it! It was negative! Oh wait there was a second line appearing! Getting brighter and brighter. I smiled! I smiled HUGE! Is this really happening? Oh my gosh Im pregnant! So after a minute of staring at the test and making sure this second line didnt disappear I pulled myself together, hid the test and went out. My sister was here and I wanted to tell Kamrin first and when we were alone. My sister left shortly after that. I grabbed the test. My heart was racing! I go in the living room where Kamrin is sitting on the floor playing with the kids and I held the test behind my back. "Kamrin I have one more present for you" He replied "Oh yeah? Whats that?" I pull it out from behind my back and show him. He starts to smile and says "GOOD JOB" I started laughing! Good job huh? Not quite what I expected but I found it quite funny! We hugged and shared a little moment. It was AMAZINGLY perfect! Then he tells me he wants to wait to announce it to everyone. I agreed but only for a minute. Its not every year Santa brings you a baby for Christmas! I wanted to shout it from the roof tops! I had the cutest ways to tell our parents and grandmas! I explained to him that I wanted to tell everyone on Christmas because that would be so special. For those of you that dont know I have had a few miscarriages and he just wanted to wait til we knew this wasnt another miscarriage baby. I completely understood where he was coming from but I explained to him if something like that had to happen to us again I would want the love and support from my family and friends and he agreed so off I went to work on my little projects to tell everyone!! I had grandma and grandpa frames so I wrote little notes to go in them that said Merry Christmas! Love, Jaydan, Maddie and Grandbaby #3 or Great Grandbaby #3 for our grandmas. I put them in Christmas bags and let them open them. It was fun to see how long it would take them all to catch on! After all our parents and grandmas knew we called our siblings that werent there and told them! Now with thinking I couldnt be pregnant I had no idea how far along I am or when I would be due for sure. If I go off my last real period not just spotting I would be 6 weeks and due August 24th, 2010!

There really is 2 lines!!!!

Our Christmas!!

Our Christmas was AMAZING this year! I have been so excited for months for Christmas this year because its the first year both of my kids are old enough to really get into Christmas and really understand it. Jaydan was so excited and loved every single thing that had anything to do with Christmas. Maddie loved talking about Ho Ho (Santa) and loved the thought of him bringing her new toys but seeing him in person was a different story! She would get death grip on whoever was holding her when Santa was in the room!

Christmas Eve night we had 2 family parties to go to. Our first one was at my brother Shawns house. We ate a YUMMY ham dinner to start the night. Our family is getting so big that the brothers, sisters and all the spouses draw names and we just buy for that one person. It worked out so well that the last couple years all the little kids (nieces and nephews) draw names also. This year Steph had Kamrin and she got him a screwdriver set and a measuring tape. Brandon had me and got me an ipod dock station so I could finally listen to my ipod without headphones. Bailey had Jaydan and she got him a nerf gun and some extra bullets which he LOVES. Tyler had Maddie and he got her a doll set that came with a baby, diaper bag and all the feeding stuff to go in the diaper bag oh and a car seat that you can put on your bag like a back pack! She had to open and hold the baby right away! After we opening those presents my mom opened hers from us, my dad opened his from us, all of us and the kids opened theirs from my mom. It was so much fun seeing what everyone got! After presents the door bell rang and we all ran upstairs and it was SANTA!!! It was so much fun seeing all the kids and Suzannes brother with Santa! After Santa left we left and headed to Kamrins parents house. Every Christmas Eve we go there and we open our Christmas pjs and put them on for the remainder of the time there. They usually do some kind of theme with them and since we went to Disneyland this year it seemed only right to have disney pjs! Kamrin had a Mickey shirt with black sweat pants. Mine was a green Tinkerbell set that I love! Jays has little Mickey heads all over them and Maddies has little Minnie faces all over them! They were all so cute! After in our pjs we eat a ton of snack food, visit, his mom TRIES to get everyone to sing songs and this year we opened all our brother/sister gifts since his sister and her husband would be in Orem with his family on Christmas. Kamrins little brother Connor had him and bought him these books to put all the stretch pennies that he collects in. He was so excited for this gift! Shaless had me had got me Victoria Secret spray, antibacterial gel and body wash in my favorite scent called Love Spell!! At 10pm we decided we needed to get our kids home and to sleep so Santa could come!!


Christmas morning I woke up first around 8 and went upstairs and woke up my sister Kim. She has spent the last 2 Christmas Eve nights with us and we LOVE having her! Kamrin came up shortly after and we put Kims bedding up and made sure Santa put the stuff in the right place, I grabbed the camera and ran down to walk the kids up! I was so excited! We went in Jaydans room first and said "Jaydan guess who came last night" He said "Santa brought us presents" So of course I said "Come on lets go up and see what he brought" He kept saying over and over "No Im still sleeping" I had to convince him to get up and go upstairs! After getting him up we went in Maddies room and said "Maddie guess who came and left you toys" She rolled over and yelled "NO!" So I tried a different way saying "Maddie lets go see the new toys Ho Ho brought you!" and again we got "NO!" She yelled that about 5 times til she finally stood up and got excited! What their faces as they walked in the living room was the best feeling as a mom! Watching your kids so excited and happy is priceless! They had so much fun looking at their toys that were opened and started playing right away. Then they started opening they ones that were wrapped. After everything was opened and they were busy playing Kamrin and I exchanged our gifts. Kamrin gave me a really nice ipod dock that has surround sound, cd player and even digital radio. I was so excited for it! Even though that was the same thing Brandon had given me on Christmas Eve the one Kamrin gave me is not a portable one and the one Brandon gave me is so it works out perfect. We put the one with surround sound in the living room and Ill use the one from Brandon downstairs or if Im taking a relaxing bath or something. The thing that amazed me the most was what he put in my stocking! He did really good stuffing it! You couldnt fit even 1 more tiny piece of candy in there even if you tried! About a year and a half ago I lost my keys and we have never replaced them because our van has a security thing in it where you cant just get a normal copy of it. It has to be copied my the dealer and those are not cheap so I have just been using Kamrins keys. Well he went and got me my own set of keys with way CUTE keychains from our trip to Disneyland! Lots of Tinkerbell ones because I love Tinkerbell and one that fits me PERFECT that says Born To Shop :-) Also he put a couple things of chapstick, $25 gift card for Itunes, ranch pringles, big box of Mike and Ikes, Lemonheads, TONS of mini candy bars and a Mt Dew!!! Im such a lucky girl :-) I got Kamrin some clothes, Mr Mac socks, The Muppets DVDs, Tools and a Wii game he really likes. After we were all done my sister left and Kamrins parents, his 4 siblings and his sisters boyfriend came over to see what the kids got. Then we went to Kamrins grandmas to each a yummy lunch and spend time with her. When we could tell the kids werent gonna last much longer without a nap we stopped at his parents to open our presents from them. They spoiled all of us! I got this ultra light hypo allergenic vacuum, kitchen mixer like a kitchen aid and these really cool food storage containers. This year his mom came up with a good idea that everything they gave the kids this year she would keep at her house for when they went and played there. After a couple meltdowns we decided it was time to go home for naps. Kamrin wanted to play his new Wii game so I went to my grandmas to spend time with everyone there for a while. When I came home my mom and sisters came with to see the kids. After they left we had dinner and it was bed time for the kids. It was such a great day for us all! We all had so much fun and got VERY spoiled!! We hope you all had a Very Merry Christmas!!!






Our cute new stockings!

The "big" gifts set up

All the other presents

Their reactions when the walked in and saw Santa came!!

Maddie went straight to her new baby and started feeding her :-)

Jaydan racing his new Mickey Mouse cars

Playing with her dolls mobile

Feeding her baby again :-)

Daddy and Jaydan playing with his new crazy race car thing (thats what he calls it)

He LOVES his new BYU Cougars hat!

Wearing his hat and holding his new BYU football!

Santa looked EVERYWHERE for this remote control Mater

Checking out his new remote control T Rex!

Opening presents together!

It scooters!!!!!

He just realized Santa put more presents under the tree

She loves her Tinkerbell!

Pulling out the movie from his stocking

Maddie pulling out her Ariel chapstick out of her stocking (She calls it her mermaid lip)

My sister Kim gave us this funny note!

Happy 2nd Birthday Madyson!!!!

I seriously cant believe my baby girl is 2!! Madyson is so full of life! She is always amazing me at what she can do and say already. She wants to be just like her big brother so she picks up alot from him. Madyson is all girl for sure! She loves baby dolls and practicing being a little mommy, LOVES The Little Mermaid and she loves all her pretties (play jewelry)!! She is very obsessed with shoes! She loves to just sit in a pile of shoes and put them on and take them off just to put on a different pair and so on! She would do this for hours if I let her! Maddie has a bit of a temperamental side to her. If she doesnt get her way you better watch out!! She is so stubborn and will not give in easy at all! If you think her brother picks on her your WRONG it is the other way around! She puts up a good fight with him in the tug-a-war over a toy. Maddie also has a very sweet and sensitive side to her. She can always sense when I am having a bad day and she will come up to me and give me the biggest hugs ever and say "Its okay mommy" Those moments are the BEST! Maddies new thing is when she knows its close to bed time she says "1 more minute mommy" as she nods her head and holds up 1 finger :-) Madyson is a true blessing to our family!! Her and her daddy have a very special bond! She has him wrapped around her little finger! He is her little princess for sure!! The thing I love the most is watching Maddie and Jaydan together. They truly are best buds (except when one has a toy the other wants) and they show their love to each other daily! Jaydan is always so concerned about where his sister is and has to know what she is doing at all times. I love how close they are!


On December 21st Maddie turned 2! We started the day by taking Jaydan to Grandma Hammonds house so Maddie could have mommy and daddy to herself. Kamrin had to work for about an hour and a half so I took Maddie to get a sandwich at a deli my friend works at. She loves Jenny so she was so excited to see her. Maddie got to have her own sandwich, pick out chips and pick her own drink! She walked around the deli like she was such a big girl! After eating we went to Toys R Us and walked around looking at all the toys til Kamrin got off. We picked him off and took her to Jungle Jims! She loves all the rides there! She wanted to ride the swings first! I love watching her on the swings because she laughs the ENTIRE time! We had so much fun with her that day! We rode whatever she wanted and played whatever she wanted! After Jungle Jims I brought her home to try and get her to nap before her party but no such luck! She must have known it was not a day to miss even a moment of :-) We went and got Jaydan, had dinner and then went to her birthday party at my brothers house! We had cake and ice cream and she opened even more presents!! She loved every second of her birthday!! Kamrins sister Shaless and her husband Jared gave Maddie a HUGE life size cutout of Ariel and I wish I had a video or picture of her reaction! She kept saying "WOW BIG MERMAID!!" She loved all her presents!!

Madyson,

You mean the world to me and your daddy! We love you so very much and we are so thankful we get to be your parents. You are such a sweet little girl and you are so full of personality! You light up my day! Your smile melts my heart! You are such a blessing to our family and everyone who is lucky enough to know you. You bring so much joy and happiness to us! Your laugh is the best sound! You are so beautiful in every single way! I cant find the words to tell you how much I love you! You and your brother are my everything and no matter what you always will be! I love you baby girl! Happy 2nd birthday Madyson!!

Love, Mommy




Maddie telling me she is 2 today!!

Eating her sandwich as big as her head!

Weeeeeee

She LOVES the swing!

She was so happy :-)

Chesse!

She loved flying the planes

Maddie loved it! Daddy got sick on it!

Going down the slide

I thought I didnt have to worry about her driving for 14 years :-)

Going down the so called slide. Who puts carpet on their slides???

Playing in the playhouse

I told Maddie that daddy couldnt go on the spinning ride cause the roller coatser made him sick so she kept saying "Daddy blah" and she would stick her tongue out...I laughed so hard!!!!!

Stomping the lights

Playing mini skee ball!

Mini bowling

Mommy took her on the roller coaster again!

Getting ready to blow her candle out with her wild woman hair! She took her pigtails out on the car ride over of course!

MONEY!!

An Ariel piggy bank for all that money!

Princess dominos!

Mrs Potato Head!!

Madysons Birthday Party

Im the birthday girl!!!!

When you ask her how old she is she says "2" and holds up all her fingers :-)

I made her this Little Mermaid cake!

Her Ariel cupcakes

Her cake with her #2 candle in it

Getting ready to blow out the candle

Her new Little Mermaid bedding from Grandma R, Grandma Nette and Aunt Kim!!

Showing off her ponies

When she opened this baby she HAD to start feeding it right away :-)

And she HAD to put on her new pretties :-)

We had a party for Maddie the night before her birthday at my grandmas house. Maddie LOVES The Little Mermaid so we through her a Little Mermaid party. We started out with cake and icecream. When we started singing to her she at first liked it but once she realized all the attention was on her she got a bit nervous and wanted us to hold her but she did like blowing out her candle. She LOVED opening presents and seeing everything she got!! She really loved all her presents!!! What a fun night for all of us to celebrate Maddies birthday!!