Thursday, December 31, 2009
I should have listened to Kamrin when he suggested waiting to announce my pregnancy. I should have waited til after I knew it was going to work out. I was just so excited to be able to announce it on Christmas. With my history of miscarriages I should have known it was better to wait. Sure enough he was right. I had held on to this little bit of hope in the back of my head that I wasnt having a miscarriage because I was only spotting. Well after talking to the doctor yesterday and being told taking test after test was not going to give me answers because the pregnancy hormone could take about a month to get out of my system. I couldnt wait that long I needed to know. Last night at 530 Kamrin and I went to go get an ultrasound to see if there was a baby. I drank ALOT of water like I was told and I had to go pee so bad it was actually painful. Every step I took I felt like I was going to burst. I laid on the table and she put the warm gel on and started the ultrasound. She said I needed to go to the bathroom cause my bladder was way too big! Oops I drank too much I guess :-) So after relieving myself we started again. She kept digging the ultrasound wand deeper and deeper in my stomach and I knew just by looking at the screen. I have had enough ultrasounds in my days to know when there is an empty uterus. I was trying so hard not to cry. I was trying so hard to stay strong. She was trying to explain to me that because we werent exact on the dates there is a chance its just not showing up yet. She suggested we go back in a week or 2 for another one just to check it out again. Why bother? Seeing no baby there was hard enough 1 time why put myself through that again? I had an ultrasound with Jaydan when I was only 6 weeks along and I saw his little heart beating and say the sack he was in and he looked like a little bean. There was nothing there last night and nothing will appear there in 2 weeks. I needed the closure but it still hurt so bad seeing an empty uterus. I know I only found out it even existed a week again but I bond with it the second I get a positive test result. Its a part of me from that second on. Its my baby. It might just be a bunch of cells at that point and it doesnt even have arms or legs but thats my baby. So after we left it was a quiet ride home. I was trying so hard not to cry. A few tears escaped here and there. When we got home and went straight downstairs, laid in my bed and lost it. After a while my sister brought my kids down to give me a big hug and tell me to come upstairs with them. I needed a few more minutes so they went up. A little bit later Kamrin came down to talk to me and try and cheer me up. I finally went up and sat on the couch for a while. After I put Maddie to bed I needed to be alone. I was in so much emotional and psychical pain. I took a pain pill and went to bed and watched tv for a while before falling asleep. Today is tough. Reality has set in. There is not that little bit of hope anymore. Its really gone. My left side is hurting so bad. Even doing a few dishes and making my kids their eggs hurt so bad. I cant stand straight. I just wanna sit in the play room on the floor and play with my kids and not feel like a part of me is missing. I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to feel this way. I cant help it though. You would think with how many miscarriages I have been through I would be used to it now. Every single one hurts just as much as the last.